How to Build a Mentor-Mentee Relationship That Actually Works
Behind many successful research careers there is a person who once asked the right question at the right moment. Here is how to build that kind of mentor–mentee relationship – deliberately, not by luck.
Ask a senior researcher how they got where they are, and sooner or later a name comes up. A supervisor who read a messy first draft line by line. A colleague down the corridor who said, “Apply anyway.” A professor at a conference who made an introduction that changed everything.
A strong mentor-mentee relationship is one of the most powerful – and most overlooked – tools an early-stage researcher has. It can sharpen your research, widen your network and help you make better career decisions. Yet many PhD students and postdocs treat mentoring as something that either happens to them or doesn’t.
The evidence suggests it deserves more attention. When Nature asked 3,785 doctoral candidates in 107 countries what the best thing their supervisor had done for them was, the answers spoke volumes about how much one relationship can shape a PhD. And the US National Academies devoted an entire report, The Science of Effective Mentorship in STEMM, to a simple conclusion: good mentoring can be learned, by both sides.
That last point matters. You don’t have to wait for the perfect mentor to appear. You can build the relationship yourself. So, where do you start?
What a good mentor-mentee relationship actually looks like
Mentoring is often confused with supervision. They overlap, but they are not the same.
Your supervisor is responsible for your project: the methods, the milestones, the thesis. A mentor is interested in you – your development, your confidence, your next step. Sometimes one person does both. Often they don’t.
The National Academies describe mentorship as a professional working alliance in which people work together over time to support each other’s growth – offering both career support and psychosocial support. In plain words: practical help and someone in your corner.
Three features tend to set the best relationships apart:
- It runs both ways. Good mentors learn from their mentees – about new methods, new tools, new ways of thinking.
- It has a purpose. You both know roughly what you are working towards, even if it changes.
- It is honest. A mentor who only tells you what you want to hear is a cheerleader, not a mentor.
A common misconception: You need one perfect mentor. In reality, most researchers do best with a small network – one person for research advice, another for career choices, a peer who is two years ahead of you, perhaps someone outside academia entirely.
Five steps to build a mentor-mentee relationship that lasts
1. Know what you need before you ask
“Will you be my mentor?” is a big question. It can feel like asking someone for an open-ended commitment – and many busy academics will politely hesitate.
A better start is a specific one. Imagine you are a second-year PhD student unsure whether to stay in academia. Instead of a general request, you write to a former postdoc now working in industry: “Could I ask you three questions about how you made the move?”
That is easy to say yes to. And if the conversation goes well, it often turns into something more.
Tip: Before reaching out, write down two or three things you want help with right now. Frameworks such as the EU’s ResearchComp can help you name the skills you want to develop – from leadership to research communication.
2. Look beyond the obvious people
The most useful mentor is not always the most senior person in the building. Good mentors can be found:
- in your own department, but outside your research group;
- at conferences, summer schools and training events;
- in professional networks and alumni groups;
- in industry, policy or civil society – especially if you are considering a career beyond academia;
- among your peers, through peer-mentoring circles.
If your institution has a career support centre or a formal mentoring scheme, use it. These programmes exist precisely to make the first introduction less awkward.
3. Make the first meeting count
First impressions shape the whole relationship. Arrive with a short agenda, not a long CV. Explain where you are, what you are trying to figure out and why you thought of them.
Then listen. Ask how they made their key decisions. People are usually generous with stories, and stories are where the real advice hides.
Before you leave, agree on one small next step: another chat in a month, a draft they will look at, a contact they will introduce you to.
4. Agree the ground rules early
Many relationships drift not because people don’t care, but because nobody said what they expected.
A short conversation at the start saves months of uncertainty. Cover:
- how often you will meet, and for how long;
- how you prefer to communicate – email, video call, coffee;
- what is confidential;
- what you both hope to get out of it;
- when you will check whether it is still working.
Some universities use a simple written “mentoring agreement” for this. It may sound formal, but it removes the guesswork – for both of you.
5. Own the relationship
Here is the part many mentees miss: the mentee drives the relationship. Your mentor has many demands on their time. You are the one who books the meetings, sends the agenda and follows up.
After each meeting, send a two-line email: what you took away and what you will do next. Then, a few weeks later, tell them what happened. Mentors rarely hear how their advice played out – and nothing keeps them engaged like knowing it mattered.
Tip: Keep a simple mentoring log. Note the date, the advice and the action you took. Over a year, it becomes a remarkable record of how far you have come – and useful evidence for your [personal development plan or career review].
When mentoring goes wrong - and how to fix it
Even good relationships hit rough patches. The most common ones are surprisingly predictable.
The fade-out. Meetings get postponed, then forgotten. Six months later, neither of you is sure the relationship still exists. The fix: put the next meeting in the calendar before the current one ends.
The one-way street. The mentee arrives only when there is a crisis – a rejected paper, a failed experiment, a deadline. The fix: share good news too. A mentor who only hears about problems sees only half the picture.
The mismatch. Your mentor pushes you towards a professorship; you are quietly hoping for a role in science policy. The fix: say so. Good mentors adjust their advice once they know where you want to go.
The power gap. This is especially tricky when your mentor is also your supervisor or line manager. Honest conversations about doubts or career changes can feel risky. The fix: build a wider network, so that no single person carries all your hopes – or holds all the influence.
A common mistake: Staying in a relationship that no longer helps you, out of politeness. Mentoring relationships are allowed to end. Thank your mentor, tell them what you gained, and keep the door open. Many former mentors become lifelong colleagues.
Mentoring starts with one conversation
A strong mentor – mentee relationship rarely begins with a grand gesture. It begins with a short email, a well-prepared question and the courage to follow up.
It grows through small habits: clear expectations, honest feedback, regular contact. And it pays off in ways that don’t show up in a publication list – better decisions, wider networks, and the confidence that comes from knowing someone has walked the path before you.
One day, the roles will switch. The early-stage researcher who once nervously asked for advice will be the one answering the email. The best mentees, it turns out, often become the best mentors.
This is the kind of support SMART Researchers aims to make part of everyday research life – through Career Support Centres, skills recognition and practical guidance that helps early-stage researchers grow with confidence. If you missed it, read our previous blog on [how researchers can maximise their impact beyond academic publication] – because the people who guide you are often the ones who help your research travel furthest.